god of this city

just a few minutes ago i was going through blogger's privacy settings to privatize my blog. my heart has been growing weary as each day has been running without pause. suddenly, my eyes were overcome with a sadness i've been carrying inside, and i couldn't help but weep it out. it hit me when this song came on. a presence hovered over my heart before the lyrics began. and there it was, my answer. it is silly, but i was associating this blog with giving up. in a way, i wanted to be silent about the way i felt in order to tuck away my vulnerability, to tuck away my faith. moving out here has tested me in many ways, especially with ways i didn't care to face just yet- if ever. maybe it was this new uncomfortable loneliness i've been dealing with, or the lack of roads inked on the map, but simply put, i felt lost. i came here with expectations for a new life, like God was expected to take care of the moving arrangements, find me a job, and then have dinner ready for me at the end of the day. truth be told, it was me running away from from him, running because i was too scared to step-out in faith on my own. i've guiltily cheated my way through life with him, but i think he's telling me to grow up now, to stop depending on him so much. the more uncomfortable i felt, the more i wanted to fall back on my old bad habits. i'm scared, i'll be honest, but being scared is the only thing that helps me realize that i'm alive. it's only when i start feeling this down that god likes to step in to slap me with a backhand reality check. when i turned my life toward him at 25, i was a baby christian (so to speak), and now i am a young teenager at 28yrs. my life has not fully blossomed yet. i'm still a rebellious kid that doesn't want to listen to their father. though my hands are trembling and my heart is heavy, i will step forward. i have no earthy idea what to expect tomorrow or the next day, but it is time to embrace it. i'm still just a kid with a million questions. luckily, though, He has all the answers for me. amen to that. now i can let it out.

:::sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh::